Nothing is missing. Nothing is wrong.

[windup_boytoy]

It.

He's curled up into a little ball, as far back as he can go in the Secret Place. The wood of the Door that holds this World's Heart is strong and steady behind him, and he resists the urge and voice in his head that says he should rip that Door open. He's pressed his face against the Door, tried to peer through the Keyhole, tried to get the faintest glimpse and taste and smell of what lies beyond that Door. It smells like Darkness and like Light. Like oblivions and sleep and rest and peace. It smells like Kingdom Hearts and part of him aches to go back.

But he can't do that.

So he huddles against the Door instead, clutching at his chest and gut. That tainted Darkness he purged from Riku still courses through his veins. He can feel it. And he's tried and tried, but he can't get rid of it all. He's taken to forcing his fingers down his throat, trying to expell that dangerous poison, but all that comes up is bile and water. If he's lucky, a small mouthful of that inky tar, but he knows there's more.

He can't let anyone know. He can't. Riku already saw him once with his head hanging over the toilet, but Riku's Heart is more Light now, and he thinks everything is better. Besides, Riku is worried and confused because Sora is gone. And Axel has been moping as well with Roxas gone, and he and Riku have been busy giving each other support. He doesn't need to worry about his weak replica.

So it he deals with it himself. There's been worse pain he's been through, afterall. And he's strong. He can handle this. He hasn't been sleeping, but that's okay. The other Darkness he absorbed from all those Heartless has left him edgy and won't let him rest. He has so much energy, and there's only so many chores he can do around the house. He's been training nonstop, swinging Soul Eater through the air in fast, heavy, brutal slashes (he promised he promised he promised Sora he wouldn't leave). It's easy... so easy to surround himself with his fangirls at school all day (keep them away keep his precious ones away so they won't see), then study groups and little parties and hangouts. He's a social butterfly! He shows up for dinner, tells Riku he's going to Namine, and no one knows. No one cares. He runs around the islands under the light of the stars, dances with his blade around simple shadows, tries to exhaust himself, but it's never enough. Then back in the morning to shower and put on a fresh uniform, laugh and tease and tell Riku he doesn't like girls so he won't want to hear details. Breakfast is pancakes. And then the cycle begins again. So easy so easy like a windup toy.

He's strong. He won't submit to the whispers and the leeching Darkness that's trapped in him. He knows that voice that tells him to rip the World apart isn't his own (he couldn't open the Door anyway, he's not a Real Keyblade Master), and the voice that told him to wrap his hands around Namine's thin neck and punish her for making him weak isn't his own (he loves her he loves her doesn't he). The voice that tells him Sora has abandoned him like all the others, the one that says all his kind words were for the moment only and he'll be left alone... that's not his voice, either. He's pretty sure. Because Sora will come back, he has to, he wouldn't ever leave Riku behind (but it's okay everything's okay whatever Sora decides will be fine at least it he was able to savor that gentle warm Light for so long).

The voice that says he should kill Riku, make him suffer and rip everything he has away and take it as his own... well, that is his voice, but he's been so good at not listening to it, hasn't he? Because it's not Riku's fault that he was born Real and it he wasn't. It's not Riku's fault that the most Real it he felt was when he had those Memories grafted on. It's all its his fault because he's a replica and fake and he shouldn't be jealous of what he's not allowed to have (but he still wants it).

Being around them (family precious people enemies betrayers friends beloved ones) is painful. Painful with this sick feeling coiling in his veins and chest, and the more he's around them, they might figure out how wrong he is. How sick and disgusting. They'll push him away, so it's better if he leaves first, isn't it (whose voice is that).

He claws the dirt on the floor of the Secret Place. How did he end up laying down? He doesn't know. He doesn't care. All around him are the innocent pictures that he and Sora and Namine and Kairi drew as children. No. No, not him. He brutally shoves those fake Memories down because they're not his and feels the tension and pain rise in his belly and throat. He heaves. Bile and water. And nothing.

He'll make it better. He'll make everything better. When Sora comes back (he has to he wouldn't leave Riku), it he'll make him smile. He'll make him happy. He'll do his best so that everyone is happy again (because if Sora is happy, Riku is happy and Kairi is happy and Namine is happy and Roxas is happy and Axel is happy and Demyx is happy). He comes up with a Plan. It's a good plan. He'll try his hardest. He won't fail. Everyone will be happy again and that's all he ever wanted. Isn't it?

He rolls over, presses as close as he can to the Door.

He thinks he can smell Kingdom Hearts.

It was peaceful there.

He smiles.